About me, naturally.
I live a full life.
Not only do I reign over the Isle of Kevin, which lies just off the South Coast of the rather naff Isle of Britain,
but I also act as advisor and confidante of other world leaders, such as Gordon the Brown and Nickerless Sarcastic-Dozy.
I have my hands full with Doris, and occasionally with Flossie.
And Kev the chauffeur is very high maintenance.
My mission is to remove all envy and ambition from you.
Once you have read my excellent journal (buy it now!) you will never again aspire to celebrity status, any position of responsibility, or even an appearance on Countdown.
I know you will be in awe of my achievements.
And just wait till you see my decorations, which are kept in my royal drawers.
But please - strictly no fawning.
You just carry on with your normal life and leave everything to me.
Not only do I reign over the Isle of Kevin, which lies just off the South Coast of the rather naff Isle of Britain,
but I also act as advisor and confidante of other world leaders, such as Gordon the Brown and Nickerless Sarcastic-Dozy.
I have my hands full with Doris, and occasionally with Flossie.
And Kev the chauffeur is very high maintenance.
My mission is to remove all envy and ambition from you.
Once you have read my excellent journal (buy it now!) you will never again aspire to celebrity status, any position of responsibility, or even an appearance on Countdown.
I know you will be in awe of my achievements.
And just wait till you see my decorations, which are kept in my royal drawers.
But please - strictly no fawning.
You just carry on with your normal life and leave everything to me.