Exclusive extracts for my most loyal subjects
State visit
Was piped ashore by the queen's own transvestites, and greeted with a high five by her majesty.
Philip was cleaning up some egg from his hair, which had obviously been thrown by someone in the throng in a fit of over enthusiasm.
We processed to the ancient hilton moat house and shared a traditional manchester cocktail (a pint of bitter with a pickled onion). Her Largeness said this was to celebrate my roots in the north west of the isle of britain, and i expressed my gratitude in the usual way, with a large belch.
This prompted earnest attempts to repeat this by others in the party. Mr Gordon Brown managed a large one, so much so that Philip's third pint (thankfully now empty) wobbled precariously.
He reached out to save it, but unfortunately jostled Her Hugeness just as she was fishing the onion out of the bottom of her glass. This onion then pinged out of her glass at alarming speed, ricocheted off my spectacles, and disappeared down Cherie Blair's cleavage.
I tried to fish it out for her but Tony suggested she left it there for later. What he had in mind, I do not know.
Her Queenliness asked me about Doris and I told her she was shacked up with Kevin, the rag and bone merchant. She took me to one side and asked if I would like to trap off with anyone that evening.
I glanced over towards the bar and saw an absolute beauty sipping a glass of champagne. I pointed furtively with my ceremonial dipstick. Within seconds, the beauty was at my side, batting her eyelashes (this kept the flies away quite nicely). What will happen next? Who knows ...
Was piped ashore by the queen's own transvestites, and greeted with a high five by her majesty.
Philip was cleaning up some egg from his hair, which had obviously been thrown by someone in the throng in a fit of over enthusiasm.
We processed to the ancient hilton moat house and shared a traditional manchester cocktail (a pint of bitter with a pickled onion). Her Largeness said this was to celebrate my roots in the north west of the isle of britain, and i expressed my gratitude in the usual way, with a large belch.
This prompted earnest attempts to repeat this by others in the party. Mr Gordon Brown managed a large one, so much so that Philip's third pint (thankfully now empty) wobbled precariously.
He reached out to save it, but unfortunately jostled Her Hugeness just as she was fishing the onion out of the bottom of her glass. This onion then pinged out of her glass at alarming speed, ricocheted off my spectacles, and disappeared down Cherie Blair's cleavage.
I tried to fish it out for her but Tony suggested she left it there for later. What he had in mind, I do not know.
Her Queenliness asked me about Doris and I told her she was shacked up with Kevin, the rag and bone merchant. She took me to one side and asked if I would like to trap off with anyone that evening.
I glanced over towards the bar and saw an absolute beauty sipping a glass of champagne. I pointed furtively with my ceremonial dipstick. Within seconds, the beauty was at my side, batting her eyelashes (this kept the flies away quite nicely). What will happen next? Who knows ...